I have noticed that LEOs (Law Enforcement Officers) spend an incalculable amount of off-time finishing up incident reports on their days off. The amount of paperwork they have to fill out for each report is simply mind-numbing. So, to save you guys some time so you can go straight to your gun cleaning, I give you:
MJ's Handy Guide to Police Report Slang and Abbreviations
[Note: In order to keep my desired PG-13 rating, I have censored and/or changed some of the more vulgar language in the originals.]
When first arriving on scene, you must immediately determine one of the following diagnoses for the contact:
* OPD (Obnoxious Personality Disorder)
* Rectoencephalitis (Head-up-own-butt syndrome)
* Faecal Encephalopathy (Crap for brains)
* SBOD (Stupid B*tch/B*stard On Drugs)
* VIP or PPA (Very Intoxicated Person or Practicing Professional Alcoholic)
* ETOH (Extremely Trashed Or Hammered [note: also EtOH is the chem. for Ethanol])
* CCFCCP (Coo-Coo For Co-Co Puffs)
* or simply having CBT (Chronic Burger Toxicity)
You may also want to do a Tooth to Tattoo Ratio Test - a test of basic intelligence, more tattoos than teeth is a bad sign.
At this time you may decide the case is a WOMBAT (Waste of Money, Brains, And Time). In this case you may FIDO (F*ck It and Drive On) or follow through with a PRATFO (Person Reassured And Told to F*ck Off).
In the case of a car accident, determine which of the following reasons was the cause of the accident:
* DICC (Drunk Involved in Car Crash)
* DWHUA (Driving While Head Up A**)
* DWE (Driving While Elderly)
* or simply a FIRT (Failed Impact Resistance Test)
Make sure to remove and Oohs and Aahs (people who stop to watch) in the area.
In the case of drunks, you will probably deal with people who are WWI (Walking While Intoxicated) which generally results in UDIs (Unexplained Drinking Injuries) or AGAs (Acute Gravity Attacks). After arresting them, decide whether or not to allow them to MTF (Metabolize To Freedom).
In the case of a suicide "jumper", you can describe the person as the following:
They FTF (Failed To Fly) because of TDS (Terminal Deceleration Syndrome) or GACP (Gravity Assisted Concrete Poisoning) and became Sidewalk Souffle.
In the case of children, designate them as either a BFH (Brat From Hell) or ELF (Evil Little F*cker) and decide if it would be best for them to undergo a Parentectomy (removal from parents).
In the case of criminals, immediately give them the Silver Bracelet Award. Should this be followed by signs of Incarceritis, Pre-Detention Stress Disorder, or Chrome Induced Ischaema (illness due to handcuffing), be sure to take him to the nearest hospital, give the doctors the SPAK (Status Post A**-Kicking) and let them know your guy has MGM Syndrome (great acting skills).
In the case of criminals with HVLP (High Velocity Lead Poisoning - gun shot wounds), determine the seriousness of the case - 185 Grain Injection (9mm), 240 Grain Injection (44cal), etc. This information will allow the ER doctors to calculate the person's Cockroach Factor: a patient's ability to survive trauma or serious treatment is inversely proportional to his contribution to society. Meanwhile, the "victim" will maintain he was SOCMOB (Standing On Corner Minding Own Business). Keep in mind always that TWSAM (Trash Will Survive And Multiply). You may advise hospital staff to APTFRAN (Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary).
In the case of a death on scene, you can use any of the following terminology to describe the victim:
* ART (Assuming Room Temperature)
* FDSTW (Found Dead, Stayed That Way)
* GPO (Good for Parts Only)
* MFBCFD (Measure For Box, Call For Dirt)
* DRT (Dead Right There) or DRTTTT (Dead Right There, There, There, and There)
It is also appropriate to classify criminals as: Mortally Wounded BUNDY (But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet).
In the case of a 13-6 (Count your ABCs), you may decide the situation calls for a Rapid Lead Infusion (shoot them). In this case, cause of death can be determined as a SBLEO (Suicide By Law Enforcement Officer).